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JESSICA BOULTON: I'm a Remainer but I'd 100% back Brexit....from Eurovision
From P-Diddy, Chris Brown and James Argent to covered-up Cannes, Eurovision's Hunger Games and Danny Dyer's chances at the Oscars, Jessica Boulton's Jess Saying column is your one-stop guide to the showbiz week .......(with a generous side of wit)
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So this week taught us one thing: Celebs really are Just Like Us.
For Danny Dyer dropped an F-bomb when he received his Best Comedy Actor BAFTA for Skyâs Mr Bigstuff last Sunday. And everyone watching at home probably dropped one too. Albeit for a different reason.
Why? Well, it wasnât long ago that Danny Dyer, who partied into the early hours of Monday, was stuck in a less notable stage of his career - a stage some might call his âLow-Budget-Made-For-The-Bargain-Basement-DVD-Shop' Era.
But then just like that⌠He landed himself a job at an East End pub, was catapulted into the mainstream, had a rom-com movie hit with Marching Powder, starred in Disneyâs The Rivals and has now just nabbed himself a BAFTA.
So what will Dannyâs incredible career u-turn see him do next? Thereâs only one place to go from a BAFTA: AN OSCAR. It could happen.
Danny Dyer kicked the week off by nabbing a BAFTA (Image:
BAFTA via Getty Images)But just imagine if Danny had brought his, um, unique cheeky chappy style to some of the Best Actor Oscar-winning roles of the past? Letâs compare what those great scenes would have been like:
Colin Firth, The Kingâs Speech: âWe have tried to find a peaceful way out of the differences between ourselves and those who are now our enemies. But it has been in vain.â
Dyer, The Kingâs Speech: âWe tried to rabbit and pork with the Nazi t***s, but it got us f***ing nowhere, didnât it?â
Russell Croweâs Gladiator: âFather to a murdered son, Husband to a murdered wife, And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.â
Dyerâs Gladiator: âDad to a bumped-off lad, hubby to a done-in missus but Iâll have me my f***ing payback in this life or cloud seven, you get me?â
And finally:
Sir Anthony Hopkinsâ Hannibal Lecter: âI ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.â
Dyerâs Lecter: âI scoffed down that muppetâs liver with some Heinz Baked Beans and a cheeky bottle of plonk!â
I know which versions I prefer.
THE BIG CANNES COVER-UP TUESDAYTalking of Hollywood⌠The creme de la crop of Tinseltown descended on Cannes for the opening night of the famous film festival on Tuesday.
And while the days of screenings in the battle for the prestigious Palme DâOr have only just begun, we already know who will really triumph at this yearâs eventâŚ.The ones who show nothing at all.
Yes, the real winners of Cannes 2025 will be the fashion designers - or more specifically, the fashion designers who donât have a penchant for the so-called ânaked dressesâ.
For, the festival issued an emergency change to its dress code just 24 HOURS before the first event: banning all voluminous gowns with over-long trains and announcing a zero tolerance stance on âall nudityâ for âdecency reasonsâ
.
Halle Berry had a lot on show at The Met Gala earlier this month (Image:
AFP via Getty Images) But Halle admitted having to change her dress for Cannes after the introduction of the new dress code (Image:
Getty Images)It left many stars - including Halle Berry - in a mad dash for new looks, and letâs face it, itâs not like they can just order a little number off Boohoo or pop down H&M like the rest of us.
So cue the true victors of the festival: The lucky more-modest designers who maximised their own red carpet exposureâŚ. just by minimising their clientsâ.
TOFFS WITH THE HUMP-DAYGreat Scott! Marty McFly and Doc Brown may be able to travel in time, but even they canât escape one of the peskiest problems of the momentâŚ.. Trigger warnings.
Or, more precisely, people complaining about trigger warnings.
For, the hit West End musical Back To The Future came under serious fire from the anti-woke brigade this week after its website was found to contain 16 alerts - mostly around the use of strobe lights, loud bangs, pyrotechnic sparks and real flames.
Right-wingers jumped at the chance to have a good old moan - with Tory MP Sir Alec Shelbrooke damning the warnings as âludicrousâ, while others rushed to debate the âscandalâ on TV.
Tory MP Sir Alec Shelbrooke was one of Liz Truss honour picks following her 49 days as PM (Image:
Parliament.tv)Yet while the anti-wokers fell over themself to be the biggest bozos since Biff Tannen, one suspects âludicrousâ was the last word certain would-be audience members were using. You know, those withâŚ. epilepsy, migraines, flicker vertigo, hearing issues (like Shelbrooke himself), high blood pressure, certain respiratory and cardiovascular conditions, autism, anxiety, PTSD, or any number of other neurodiversities or mental health problemsâŚ.
In fact thereâs just two parts of this story which really are âludicrousâ:
That Shelbrooke could share such a ludicrously-out-of-date view in Mental Health Awareness[itals] Week - rendering the whole ludicrous "scandal" ludicrously ironic.
2. That he commutes by train, not DeLoreanâŚ..because he clearly still lives in the past.
Doc Brown and Marty McFly look about as shocked and bewildered as I am.... (Image:
DAILY STAR)TOUGH LOVE THURSDAYYou canât go on social media without being sucked into one challenge or another. And the latest confession craze is calling for people to reveal the lengths theyâve gone to impress a man. Thereâs been lots of the usual - surprise trips to see their favourite band, giving up their favourite show in favour of footballâŚ.But Paloma Faith wins them all.
For this week she shared an inspiring tale of the time a would-be suitor was 30 minutes late for their first date. So what did she do? Well, she didnât sit quietly, anxiously waiting in the corner of the pub for him to turn up, thatâs for sure. Instead the feisty popstar stood up in the packed boozer, called for everyoneâs attention, explained what was happening and rallied them all to BOO the tardy fellow when he finally walked in.
âThey had to tell him he was stupid and didnât deserve me because I am a national treasure,â she laughed in her video.
Whether her red-faced date was eventually impressed by her actions is unclearâŚ.But I certainly am.
FOOLHARDY FRIDAYAnd finally.....Our hearts must go out to three brave women who are about to perform a feat of great sacrifice for the country this weekend. Itâs one that threatens to leave them deflated, battle-weary, humiliated and downtrodden. Defeat is all but guaranteed. But someone must do it: someone must fly the flag for our great United Kingdom. So these heroic three have selflessly taken on that burdenâŚ.
Yes, Iâm talking about Remember Monday: The bright sparkly-eyed West End stars who are hoping their girlband will triumph in one of the most savagely-fought battles of all - The Eurovision Song Contest.
Girlband Remember Monday previously appeared at BBC Radio 1 Big Weekend before they were dispatched like Hunger Games' Tributes to Eurovision (Image:
PA Wire/PA Images)Or as otherwise known: Europeâs very own Hunger Games. For it may seem full of novelty and niceties, but let's face it, it's a no-holds-barred fight to the bitter end - one with complex politics, geographical alliances, a global audience and Tributes dispatched from each country, fully aware they're on a likely suicide mission (albeit only in the career sense).
It was hard enough for us to win before Brexit. It's nigh on impossible after. For in the years since our separation, our ex-partners have not exactly been our biggest fans. With the stellar exception of Sam 'Spaceman' Ryderâs second place in 2022, weâve come last twice, second-to-last once, third-to-last twice, 18th (out of 26) and a so-so middling 15th since 2016.
So why are we still sending our young popstars to the slaughter? I was a staunch Remainer over the EU - and still am. But if there was a referendum on the UK's place in Eurovision, I'd 100% vote Brexit. Haven't we got enough toxicity in the world without the bum note of this humiliation each year?
Remember Monday performing in a Eurovision dress rehearsal (Image:
AFP via Getty Images)That's why I must applaud the honesty of last yearâs "Tribute", Olly Alexander, when Remember Monday asked him for advice ahead of this weekendâs grand final. âHe told us to get a good therapist,â laughed bandmates Holly-Anne Hull, Lauren Byrne and Charlotte Steele.
Fortunately however theyâve followed his advice. For while I hope their track âWhat the Hell Just Happenedâ doesnât prove to be too poignantly-named, I fear come Sunday..... Remember Monday may wish to Forget Saturday.
PICTURES OF THE WEEKP Diddyâs trial for racketeering charges, Gerard Depardieu being found guilty of sex assaults and James âArgâ Argent getting a two-year suspended sentence for gender violence...Celebrity men have been making global headlines for all the wrong reasons this week.
So how refreshing to see that not all heroes are a thing of the past. Because we also welcomed back into our lives an all-time all-round good guy this week. Yes, the first full-length trailer for DCâs new Superman movie was released on Wednesday, with relative newcomer David Corenswet in the suit.
The new Superman David Corenswet (Image:
DAILY MIRROR)After years of Henry Cavillâs more sombre take on the Man of Steel, this light, bright more joyful version from Guardians of The Galaxy director James Gunn (and complete with John Williamsâ famous score) may be just what the world needs right now.
As for the plot, this Superman is promised to be the âembodiment of truth, justice and the human wayâ. So while Nicholas Houltâs villainous Lex Luthor appears in the trailer, we can all guess who his real nemesis will be...
Could US President Donald Trump be about to face a threat to his masterplans? Or is buddy Elon Musk already cooking up some kryptonite weapons? (Image:
AFP via Getty Images)Seen a funny celeb tweet or Tv moment? Let me know in the comments or via @JessicaBoulton on X/Instagram
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